


Alone in the Universe

by GwendolynGrace



Category: Voltron: Legendary Defender
Genre: Break Up, Canon Compliant, Complicated Relationships, Flashbacks, Galaxy Garrison, M/M, Pre-Slash, Self-Esteem Issues, Shadam, Unrequited Crush
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-07-22
Updated: 2018-07-22
Packaged: 2019-06-14 13:24:12
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,728
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15389682
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/GwendolynGrace/pseuds/GwendolynGrace
Summary: After Keith gets in yet another fight at the Galaxy Garrison, Shiro stands up for him, again. But Shiro knows he can't always be there. And Keith? Keith knows that eventually, he'll be alone again, too.





	Alone in the Universe

**Author's Note:**

> Okay! 1st VLD fic, hooray! I had a flash of inspiration based on all the buzz coming out of the SDCC panel last week, wrote my draft unt 3 AM Friday, and then realized I Really NEEDED to watch the episode first. So, BIG SPOILERS for Season 7, Episode 1.
> 
> REPEAT: SPOILERS FOR SEASON 7. If you don't want to be spoiled, bookmark this now and WAIT until you've seen S7 to read it. I'LL UNDERSTAND.
> 
> My initial ideas about how Keith and Shiro met and the length and nature of their relationship were very much Joss'd by the episode, as were some details about Shiro, Adam, and the timing of his mission to Kerberos and other important disclosures which are referenced herein. But I have done my best to reconcile what I had in mind with what this beautiful, BEAUTIFUL episode gave us. Warning: some canonical errors may still have made their way into this. Don't hate me! If it really bugs you, consider it mild AU.
> 
> That said, please bear in mind that I have expanded the timeline somewhat, understanding that this awesome show has to compress A TON of information into very very tight storytelling spaces. I will go into detail in the end notes for more timeline deconstruction but let's assume here that things did not happen as economically in real life as the snippets we get in the flashbacks. Also, relationships are messy. Break-ups are messy.
> 
> Anyway, I was inspired, as I said, by how much the creators are setting up Sheith, and I wanted to explore the evolution of a mentor-friend relationship into the full-blown romance we are getting.... Enjoy!

Just from the set of Shiro's shoulders when he walks out of the commandant's office, Keith knows how bad he fucked up. He can barely make eye contact. Getting dressed down by Commander Iverson was humiliating but the words slipped away as soon as they landed. By the look on Shiro's tired face, Keith knows the real consequences of his actions are about to hit--and linger. Whatever Shiro's about to say, Keith expects it to reverberate in his mind for a long, long time.

"I know," Keith says in an attempt to divert the tongue-lashing. "I messed up. Again."

"Good to recognize your mistakes. It's the only way to learn from them." He says it gently, which in a way is worse than if he'd exploded. Then again, Shiro doesn't explode often. Keith hangs his head.

"C'mon," Shiro says quietly. "Let's get you home."

It hadn't even been that serious a fight, Keith thinks. It was over in a few passes, honestly. Martins was too easy to beat. He follows Shiro, head down, shoulders slumped, obedient and contrite. Inwardly, he is still fuming that he should be in trouble when it was all Martins' fault. The Cadet has no business in a pilot's seat, or even the Garrison at all, and the idea that he thought he could tell Keith how to fly was patently laughable. Still, he had tried not to get into a row. He'd turned his back, determined to let his withering comments be the end of it. Martins should have kept his mouth shut afterward, and his fists down. So, really, it was self-defense. It wasn't Keith's fault the asshole had tried to punch above his weight.

"Heh," Keith chuckles. Shiro--well, everyone--was always telling him to loosen up. It seemed to have been another grievance of Martins' as well. "How does the Garrison expect us to trust a pilot who can't even tell the difference between 'man up' and 'man down'?" he had accused. Well, it showed what he knew. Keith had just used an expression without even trying.

"Something amuse you, Cadet?" Shiro bites out. "Want to let me in on the joke?"

"Uh….no, sir, nothing's, um, amusing. I just, uh...I was just thinking."

"You could stand a little more thinking, and a little less impulsive action, seems to me," Shiro says. 

Chastened, Keith trots to fall in more closely. "Yes, Officer Shirogane," Keith mumbles.

He's expecting Shiro to lead him back to the Cadets' barracks, so he's surprised when their route takes them across the compound to the ground transports.

"Get in," Shiro says when they reach his.

Keith hesitates. "I…. He didn't say that--They're kicking me out?" His voice almost cracks. He hasn't cleaned out his footlocker, or even packed a bag.

"What? No, you haven't been kicked out. You're too good a pilot for that. For now."

"Oh. But--"

"You're on leave for a couple days. Better if you and Martins cool off for a bit."

"So...when you said 'home' you meant...um. Where?" 

Shiro says nothing, just holds his gaze for a moment, arms crossed. "Get in the car, Keith."

It isn't fair. Shiro could let him out of his torment just by saying where they're going. But he doesn't. Shiro drives in silence, with the radio set so low that Keith has to strain to hear it. It's disconcerting. Keith can barely sulk properly; he keeps glancing sideways to see if Shiro's going to boil over and tear into him.

"Uh, so, I heard you're all but a shoe-in for Kerberos," he says, just to break the tension. "Adam must be really proud."

Shiro frowns.

"He's not...really...proud?" Keith inquires, getting softer and more tentative with each word.

"He still doesn't want me to go. He's worried what could happen out there," Shiro says. "It's a long trip. No backup. Not a lot of medical support."

"Yeah," he says, and immediately regrets bringing up the mission. "But the Garrison--Commander Iverson-- they'll do what Dr. Holt--"

"Well." Shiro says. "Dr. Holt wants me, it's true, but they're still throwing up roadblocks. Dragging their heels. You know how the Admiralty can be. I feel fine. The doctors say it shouldn't interfere with anything. In fact, the prolonged space travel should slow its progress. Might be fewer complications. They think."

"Oh. So. But Adam's still--"

"You can ask him yourself," Shiro interrupts. "We're here."

Sure enough, they've pulled in to the driveway of the officers' bungalow Shiro and Adam live in. Keith hadn't even paid attention to the fact they hadn't left the base. He should have put things together before now. After all, he'd lived here for nearly a month himself, before qualifying for the Garrison housing. Plus a few...unscheduled visits.

"Come on, hothead," Shiro says with surprising affection. "You've got time to clean up before supper."

"That you, babe?" Adam calls out cheerily from the kitchen sink as the door opens.

"Nope. Bandits," Shiro replies. "One particular bandit needs a shower," Shiro says with a pointed look at Keith. "Go on through. I think there's even a bottle of your shampoo still in the bathroom." It's from the last time Keith had to crash here, but neither of them mention that.

"Hi--Oh, Keith!" Adam exclaims, coming around the bar that separates their efficiency kitchen from the main lounge area. "This is a nice surprise."

"Hey," Shiro says, and the two kiss. "Addy, can you dig up a change of clothes for Keith? He's staying for a couple days."

"Really?" Adam's eyes widen above the lenses of his glasses. "Sure, I can lend him some things. Keith, I was gonna make scallops but if you're joining us, maybe we should have pizza?"

"Anything's fine," Keith says.

"Okay, Shiro, can you see what's in the freezer? Oh, shit… Sorry, it's just--your room's a mess. We've, uh, kind of gotten bad about keeping it ready. They don't give us much space, even in so-called family housing. Any available square footage gets a little cluttered."

"My roo...but, I moved into the Garrison barracks," Keith says numbly.

"You've always got a place to stay here," Shiro says. He still sounds tired, but not pissed off. Maybe his annoyance is wearing off, now that he doesn't have to suck up to Iverson.

"Well...okay, I'll go wash up," Keith says. It's true, he could use a shower, but as he turns left, down the hall to the bath and little guest bedroom, it occurs to him that Shiro wants to talk to Adam without him there, too. The thought makes him want to turn around and creep back to where he can eavesdrop. He shouldn't: he's already in trouble. But if he did, maybe he could learn just how in trouble he really is. He decides to risk it. He pads quietly back up the hall, just to the point where he can see the corner of the efficiency kitchen. It's a familiar spot, calibrated over the course of all the times he's needed to know what was coming.

What he hears is a rushed, but unfazed discussion that starts with Adam's voice:

"What happened this time?"

"Fight. The other kid started it, I'm sure."

"Because Keith never starts fights."

"Not unless he's provoked."

"Honey, your boy can be provoked by a potato with too many eyes looking at him. Suspended?"

"Eh, two days. I'll talk to him."

"Someday he's gonna have to listen to someone other than you. Especially if--"

"Hey, there's no decision yet so who knows if I'm even gonna get cleared."

"You're gonna get cleared, Takashi. You're the best. Dr. Holt knows it and he'll insist on it. But, even if you can't go…." He clears his throat. "My point is, he's not a kid anymore."

"Yes, he is."

"Babe, he's almost 16. He's not a grown-up, sure, but--oh, nevermind. You know what I think about it. I'm just saying, you know the Garrison requires discipline as well as I do."

"Yeah. But you just said yourself, he's 15. Were you perfectly controlled at 15?"

"Fuck no, I was a mess."

"Me, too. You're not mad he's here, are you?"

"Of course not. No, I'm happy to see him. And I am happy he knows he's got you. I know how hard it's been for him. And you, you big softie, I do love you, for looking after him so damn hard. C'mere…."

The distinct sounds of lips smacking together drift into the hall. Keith wrinkles his nose. There won't be anything more worth hearing for now.

~

After supper, Adam gets fresh linens for the bed and comes in to make it up. Keith has boxed what seems like a ton of comics and books that Adam has accumulated and moved them onto the floor.

"Sorry," Adam says again as he shakes out the fitted sheet. "I really should get another long box for the loose issues, but I keep forgetting. And these are all books that won't fit in my office. Shiro wishes I'd stick to e-books--"

"No cluttering up the living room!" Keith says, and they share a laugh. Adam flicks the top sheet into place while Keith encases the pillows.

"Exactly. He hates even the thought of adding shelves to either the living room or our bedroom, so….they just, pile up. But this is the perfect excuse to go through and make some space. I'm sure there's at least a shelf worth of books that can go to goodwill."

"You'd get rid of a book?" Keith asks. He hopes Adam understands that he's teasing. He's not sure he got it right.

But Adam laughs hard. Hard enough to drop the comforter before spreading it over the sheets. "Well, we can all learn to let go of things now and then. Shiro's always trying to get me to simplify. He's big on anti-materialism. Says it teaches us the ephemeral nature of--" Suddenly, Adam breaks off. He looks out the window, breathing raggedly. "Sorry," he repeats.

"It's okay," Keith says. "I know I'm intruding."

"Oh, kiddo, you're not, okay?" Adam adjusts his glasses on his nose. "You're not. Ever. You're family to Shiro, got that? You're important to him. So you're important to me, too."

"I...really disappointed him, Addy," Keith says. He sinks onto the bed. "This isn't my first strike. I almost got kicked out. If I'm just suspended...Shiro must have talked Iverson down from expulsion. And it wasn't...it wasn't just being a hothead. I know, I know I have a temper. I don't know why, I just get angry. And Martins...he can't fly a bucket, but he's gonna tell me which end of the stick to hold? Please. I can fly rings around that guy."

"So why go to the trouble of kicking his ass? Why not let him crash and burn all on his own?"

"I didn't want to fight. Not at first."

"So he came at you?"

"Not exactly."

"Why don't you start at the beginning? Tell me what happened." Adam takes off his glasses to clean them with a cloth from his pocket. 

"I can't."

"Why not?"

"Because, you'll tell Shiro, and I don't want him to know all of it."

"You'll feel better if you tell someone, and anyway, pretty sure it'll make _me_ feel better to understand. Might help him understand, too, huh? Mitigating circumstances, as the JAG corps like to call it?"

Keith sighs and scoots up to lean on the wall. "I guess it started a week ago. We were simulating flight scenarios and Martins crashed us, hard. So next day it was my turn, and I was doing fine, but Martins kept...back-seat flying. So afterwards, he comes up to me in the mess and starts in on how I learned to fly all wrong. I told him to shove it and tried to walk away. But then he--" He breaks off. "He said something about Shiro."

"So you defended his honor?" Adam surmised. "Look, the other cadets had some choice things to say about our relationship, back in the day. If it were just anti-gay stuff we could have told the instructors but…technically we weren't supposed to be together. Chain of command, and all that. Even then, we had to wait 'til we graduated to tell anyone officially."

"It wasn't about you. He said Shiro couldn't keep it in his pants, okay? He said it figured I need back-door help because that's how Shiro trained me."

"Fuck," Adam agreed. "So you hit him?"

"I slammed him into the wall. I told him I was gonna report him for homophobic comments and defaming a Garrison pilot. Then I turned my back on him and he jumped me."

Adam blows out a breath that puffs his cheeks wide. "Did you tell Iverson?"

"I tried. He wouldn't listen. You know my reputation. He'd rather think I'm just unchained."

"Okay. Still, they should know. It's this Martins kid who has a problem, not you."

"I don't want Shiro to hear about it," Keith mutters.

"He's not that delicate, Keith. He's heard the rumors already. It's not gonna change how much he cares about you."

"It'd be easier for him if he didn't," Keith says sadly. Against his wishes, a few tears prickle his eyes and spill out.

"He's never going to give up on you," Adam assures him. "Hey. It's gonna be okay. Only--" here it's his turn to get misty-eyed. "He's not always going to be around to help you out. Even if he _doesn't_ go to Kerberos, you know, it's...a matter of time."

Keith bristles. "Well, I'm not giving up on him, either," he says with ferocity. "He said it could be years--or something could change. They might find a new treatment--"

Adam shakes his head. "I wish that were true," he whispers. "I hope you're right. I really do." He pulls his glasses off and wipes them again. Then he swipes at his nose, tosses his hair, and slaps his thighs before heaving to his feet. "Well, wanna play some Mercury GameFlux before hitting the sack?"

With a shrug, Keith answers, "No, thanks. I guess I'll just...read for a bit." He picks up his tablet and jiggles it.

"Okay, kid." Adam pauses at the door. "You don't need to avoid Shiro, you know. You can hang out with us even if you don't want to play a game."

"Oh." Keith considers that. He's forgotten the ways in which Adam offers a specific activity, not as an all-or-nothing option but just as an overture to change the direction of things. "Sure. Maybe. I might come out in a bit."

"M'kay. If not, see you in the morning."

Keith waits until he's sure Adam has joined Shiro in the living room. Then, barefoot, he eases the door open and sneaks into the hall, back to his trusty eavesdropping spot. Again, they're in the middle of conversation, and what's more, Shiro's in the middle of a sentence:

"...he planning to sulk all night? I know I'm supposed to let him, but I wish he wouldn't take things so hard."

"Look, I said before, you're the only one he really listens to, but it's also true that whatever you say hits him right between the eyes. Takashi-kun, he idolizes you. He was ashamed your mentorship of him is what set that kid off. And he doesn't want you thinking you're a liability for him. Let him be, he's processing."

"I know." There's a pause, as if they're resettling. Keith can visualize them, feet up on the table, Adam tucked under Shiro's arm and leaning into his side. "I'm just worried about him."

"And I'm worried about you. Feeling okay?"

"I'm fine." Even Keith can hear it's a lie.

"You took extra painkillers before dinner."

"Worked hard today, that's all. Muscle aches."

"Uh-huh. You barely ate."

"That frozen pizza was old. Set off my stomach. I'm fine now."

"See? This is why I think it's a bad--"

"Can we--not? I don't think I can handle giving Keith a course correction and arguing with you again about a future we don't even know yet."

Adam doesn't respond right away. "Okay," he says finally. "Truce." The sofa cushion squeaks. "I've got some work to do in the office. If I know you, you want to meditate, anyway."

Hearing this, Keith quickly takes a few steps back, hoping Adam won't see him when he turns to the right, for his office. 

"I was thinking about a beer," Shiro comments, "and maybe, an early night?" They both chuckle. "You've got your squadron tactics lesson to teach in the morning, right?"

"Ooh, he reads the schedule," Adam says proudly. "Right. I won't stay up too late, then," Adam promises.

Keith rolls his eyes and heads quickly back to his room. He feels an excited shudder ripple his shoulders at that: _his_ room. They think of it as his even when he's not there. It's scary and comforting and weird all at once. He freezes, however, when he hears Shiro say his name behind him. 

"I wasn't listening!" Keith protests, but it's useless. Shiro followed him in from the front room; there's no way he didn't see Keith retreating from his hiding place.

But this is Shiro. He doesn't call him out. Instead, he's the one apologizing. "Hey, look, I--about earlier--I didn't know that you tried to walk away."

"Adam talked to you?" Keith says, pivoting in the doorway.

"Little bit. I'm prepared to see Iverson again, if you want. Explain that he missed some key elements in the dynamic."

Keith hangs his head. "You don't need to keep bailing me out."

"Apparently, I do," Shiro says, smiling. "Keith, it's okay. I mean, fighting's not okay, but--I get it. Sometimes it's necessary. Still, I wish you'd said something."

"I guess I--didn't want you to think I couldn't handle myself."

"No fear. I know you can't," Shiro teases. He takes a step forward. "Keith, if I ever made you uncomfortable--"

"What? No!" Keith insists. "You're...you're like my big brother or something. I can't believe anyone would insinuate that you're some kind of...predator. That's why I--"

"Easy, easy, kiddo," Shiro says, placing his hands on Keith's shoulders. "I get it. We're going to Iverson tomorrow, all right? I want you to tell him what this Martins said. He needs to learn about the Garrison's non-discrimination policies."

Keith smiles. "Thanks. For believing me. I'm...sorry I disappointed you."

"I just want you to make the most of yourself. And you can't do that if you wash out for fighting." They go back into Keith's room. "And when I go to Kerberos...you're gonna need to be your own lookout."

"Again," Keith says ruefully.

"Yeah. Look, nothing can make up for the shit you've gone through. No one should have to deal with knocks like you've had. But I want you to know--you've always got a home with me, whenever you need it. Right to the end. Okay?"

"Yeah, okay. Thanks," he says, and means it. "I'm...I guess I'm kinda tired."

"Bet you are. Get some sleep, then, and tomorrow, we'll go straighten things out with Iverson. I mean...er, we'll clear the record." His grin makes it evident that Keith's missed some kind of joke.

"Huh?"

"You know… _straighten_? Straight? As in, I'm not, but you are?" Shiro banters, faltering slightly the more he has to explain.

Keith clears his throat uncomfortably. "Oh. Uh, yeah." 

"Okay, I'll let you get some rest. G'night, kiddo." Shiro closes the door behind him, leaving Keith more bewildered.

"I'm...not straight either," he whispers to the door. "I mean, I don't think I am." He can't even formulate the thoughts and feelings that Martins' accusations triggered. He means it when he says Shiro's like a big brother--that's all Shiro has ever offered and it's never occurred to him to even think of anything improper. Nor has Keith ever tried to embarrass Shiro with an advance that he knows would be rebuffed. And there's Adam--they've been together as long as Keith's known them. He would kill himself before he'd wreck their happiness.

But that didn't mean sometimes, he didn't wonder, if...if things were different. If he were older. If Adam weren't such a great guy. If they weren't so great together. If he hadn't come into Shiro's life as an orphaned foster kid who showed aptitude, but instead they'd met some other way--at the Garrison, maybe, under someone else's sponsorship. Or if he hadn't been so dependent on Shiro for so much. If Shiro didn't try so hard to act as a surrogate for his Dad. If his Dad hadn't died in the first place. Just maybe, if everything in the world were slightly altered, could Shiro ever...revise how he felt about him?

Keith lies down on the bed and turns to the wall. It's useless daydreaming like that, and he knows it. He's just a kid to Shiro--a kid in need of saving, no less. They'll never be on equal footing. And Shiro will never see him as anything but a burden. And soon, he'll go to Kerberos, and even when he comes home…. He and Adam will surely want to spend whatever time he has left together. Keith tells himself he doesn't even mind. He's used to being alone, and while he'll never have what they have, he's happy Shiro has someone who'll stick with him right to the end. He can't ruin that by getting in the way. He'd rather die.

So he won't. He promises to keep his feelings to himself. He'll let everyone assume he's straight, if that helps keep the allegations at bay. And if it keeps things from getting awkward between him and Shiro. After all, his orientation? It's not that important. It doesn't matter how he labels it. It's not like he's interested in anyone else, anyway. No one else could measure up, but since Shiro's off the table, it's easier to just ignore the whole question. Focus on getting through training, and make Shiro proud. That's enough out of life, isn't it?

It's that unsatisfactory lie that sends him, unhappily, to sleep.

**Author's Note:**

> Notes on timeline:  
> 1\. I have not finished my 3rd reviewing of the whole series, so if there are gross errors, I apologize. Point them out and I will try my best to fix them, if it does not break the fic.
> 
> 2\. So, I had originally thought Shiro and Keith went back farther, even thought maybe Shiro had pretty much adopted the kid or at least met outside of his recruiting duties. Headcanon Joss'd but good (thanks, creators!). I have adjusted for the canon timeline, but I do think based on Keith's "disciplinary history" that we would see more than one suspension before he is kicked out after Shiro goes off-world. Plus, Shiro has *been* offworld already so more time passes between recruiting Keith and his Kerberos mission than we're given. 
> 
> As for the timing of his illness disclosure, his fight with Adam, his talk with Keith, and leaving...again, I am building more time in than we are given. Military bureaucracies move slow, y'all. My headcanon is that Keith's incident takes place *after* all the flashback scenes in the episode, but *before* final decisions are made by anyone, including Adam. Which brings me to:
> 
> 3\. Yes, I know that the scene between Shiro and Adam is likely intended as their breakup. However, relationships are complicated, and people fight but then don't immediately move out. At the time of their argument, Shiro had no official ruling on his assignment. Command could still have pulled him, despite Sam's insistence. In which case, he and Adam might have patched things up. My position is that the two of them were glossing over their impasse and holding on, even if it's a lost cause at this point. And Keith certainly has no reason to know how precarious the two of them are right now. They are putting up a front for each other (and because of his presence in their space). Also, Keith...does not have the greatest emotional awareness.
> 
> 4\. This is a silly note, but speaking of space...yeah, I expanded the amount of room Shiro and Adam have. Headcanon they lived off-base, but nooooo. So, yep. Beyond that efficiency kitchen and living area, there's a central door that leads to more rooms. Adam's office is to the right; the bedroom is straight ahead with a private bath. The guest bath is on the left next to the bedroom (meaning the two baths share a wall and are each half the length of the other rooms), and Keith's bedroom is on the far left, same size as the office.
> 
> 5\. So, yeah... Keith's attitude at the end here is a little UNHEALTHY, kids! (Pets poor, messed up Keith.) Please do not make your decisions about revealing or concealing your sexuality based on someone else's convenience. M'kay? If you want to come out, come out. If you don't, don't. Thank you for coming to my TED talk.


End file.
